MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE HORRIBLE COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS

Yesterday a friend of mine, Sara, sent me an e-mail in which she related her problem: “My husband and I stopped talking to each other. We still give over the essential information to make our family run efficiently, but we never share our feelings, ideas and dreams. I figure out that this is better than the fighting we used to do, at least there is peace in our home, but the price to pay for this serenity is a sense of emptiness and sadness. I just don’t know how to stop this apathy…. Can you give me some advice??? ”.

I take this email that my friend sent me to talk you about a very common problem in relationships today: Lack of communication; most couples never really learn how to speak to each other effectively! I want to use this space in the magazine to respond to Sara and many readers who have the same problem, giving some advices: what to do and what not to do when a relationship suffers a lack of communication.

At the start of the relationship, conversations are exciting and fun, and can take you a lot of hours at phone, both of you spend a lot of time getting to know each other, but as time goes by, people assume that they know everything about each other. My first advice: You shouldn’t assume you know everything about each other; we’re all changing all the time, in our preferences and the way we look at life. If you don’t do that you run the risk of romance starting to not work well, or one of you will start to confide in some other person who seems more comprehensive.

On the other hand I think is rally unhealthy to just stop talking to each other, and only sharing the basic information about children and bills. It is an easy and comfortable solution but what will happen to the relationship in the long term?, I think it won’t work and will become a burden. My second advice: you should use part of the day, every day, to talk with your partner, without any interruption. Speak not only about children and bills, also of how was your day and his/hers day at work, with officemates, etc. The first day tell your partner, if it is true, that you are concerned about the relationship and you really want to take some actions to start improving how you communicate.  Let him/her know you take ownership for your actions and then ask him/her what you could do to improve your relationship and tell him/her your opinion on what he/she would do to improve the relationship.

My third advice: Speak up and listen; this will increase the honesty in marriage. By speaking up I’m not saying that you remove the filter between your brain and mouth, but speak up more. How often do you avoid replying of fear of your partner’s reaction? There are times when you need to speak up in order to help your marriage grow. But you should speak in a respectful way, avoiding screaming and banning phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ....", these sentences tend to attract defensive behavior. By listen I mean you should use body language to show you are listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails, you can't communicate while you're checking your cellphone, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section! Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to.

Finally, I invite all readers to develop effective communication processes with their partners: Communication is a key word to keep a relationship alive. The ability to tell each other thoughts, feelings and wants is so important. Good, open, and honest communication is like oil to a car. Without oil in the car, the car won’t work. Communication is important!

By: Yuly Andrea Arboleda Valencia